borninaustin

"I’m worried about ‘Penile West Nile’: there I was, standing at the gulley, enjoying an outdoor pee."

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 22:19:19 -0500

““I’m worried about ‘Penile West Nile’: there I was, standing at the gulley, enjoying an outdoor pee.””

- Brother in law

"I want to be in a Jay-Z song. If it was my fart, I would want it to be in a Jay-Z song."

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 22:18:44 -0500

““I want to be in a Jay-Z song. If it was my fart, I would want it to be in a Jay-Z song.””

- Cousin-in-law (talking about Will Ferrell being sampled in a Jay-Z song)

"Words With Feiends is my WWF."

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 22:17:29 -0500

““Words With Feiends is my WWF.””

- Mediation Partner (she is awesome)

"I’m not criticizing you, I’m just pointing out things I’m not crazy about."

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 22:14:38 -0500

“I’m not criticizing you, I’m just pointing out things I’m not crazy about.”

- Wife

"A lot of times I don’t actually hear things, or I make them up."

Thu, 17 May 2012 20:58:34 -0400

“A lot of times I don’t actually hear things, or I make them up.”

- Wife

"Swimming Sucks"

Sun, 11 Mar 2012 16:46:32 -0400

“Swimming Sucks”

- Hockey Player

"It is raining, that’s stupid."

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 09:11:52 -0500

“It is raining, that’s stupid.”

- Wife

Racistm.tm.ysm?

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 00:00:37 -0500

Kanye just jz!)

"I don’t drink gin: I drink fucking vodka!"

Sun, 04 Dec 2011 21:02:12 -0500

“I don’t drink gin: I drink fucking vodka!”

- Wife (to videographer at birthday party)

"Sorry: in my heart of hearts I meant to get you Hendricks, but I was drunk when I went to the liquor..."

Sun, 04 Dec 2011 20:59:11 -0500

“Sorry: in my heart of hearts I meant to get you Hendricks, but I was drunk when I went to the liquor store last night and got you Bombay Saphire instead. That is gin, right?”

- Wife (talking to the birthday girl)

"I hurt myself the last time I was at Red Lobster: they had all-you-can-eat shrimp."

Fri, 25 Nov 2011 17:15:32 -0500

“I hurt myself the last time I was at Red Lobster: they had all-you-can-eat shrimp.”

- Brother-in-law’s friend

"I love you: this is totally my kind of flea market. Now let’s get a drink!"

Sat, 19 Nov 2011 16:46:11 -0500

“I love you: this is totally my kind of flea market. Now let’s get a drink!”

- Wife

"I guess it is true that I’d always rather be drinking than not drinking."

Sat, 19 Nov 2011 16:38:21 -0500

“I guess it is true that I’d always rather be drinking than not drinking.”

- Wife

"I feel like an impaired person."

Sat, 19 Nov 2011 16:08:00 -0500

“I feel like an impaired person.”

- Wife (stumbling out of Mexican restaurant at 3pm on a Saturday)

At a festival

Sun, 28 Aug 2011 00:15:45 -0400

Me: Its time for strawberry daquiries?
Wife: I didn't know what else to do.

"Is raping spelled with one or two P’s?"

Sat, 27 Aug 2011 23:51:38 -0400

“Is raping spelled with one or two P’s?”

- Wife

"When I start outgrowing my clothes I stop eating and just go to vodka. If you have to eat have a..."

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 22:01:20 -0400

“When I start outgrowing my clothes I stop eating and just go to vodka. If you have to eat have a pouch of tuna for lunch. You can eat a lot of tuna before you get mercury poisoning.”

- Wife

"I do pilates, pause it half way through, make a vodka soda with a long straw, then hit play again..."

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 21:58:19 -0400

“I do pilates, pause it half way through, make a vodka soda with a long straw, then hit play again and finish working out…with a drink. What is wrong with that?”

- Wife

"We never really had that much in common, I mean, she’s a smoker and I’m not."

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 21:56:08 -0400

“We never really had that much in common, I mean, she’s a smoker and I’m not.”

- His fiance

"This little pot that I’m drinking out of, it tastes like someone just made it."

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 22:26:05 -0400

“This little pot that I’m drinking out of, it tastes like someone just made it.”

- Wife (at an upscale sushi restaurant)