I’m worried about ‘Penile West Nile’: there I was, standing at the gulley,...– Brother in law
I want to be in a Jay-Z song. If it was my fart, I would want it to be in a...– Cousin-in-law (talking about Will Ferrell being sampled in a Jay-Z song)
Words With Feiends is my WWF.– Mediation Partner (she is awesome)
I’m not criticizing you, I’m just pointing out things I’m not...– Wife
A lot of times I don’t actually hear things, or I make them up.– Wife
Swimming Sucks– Hockey Player
It is raining, that’s stupid.– Wife
Kanye just jz!)
I don’t drink gin: I drink fucking vodka!– Wife (to videographer at birthday party)
Sorry: in my heart of hearts I meant to get you Hendricks, but I was drunk when...– Wife (talking to the birthday girl)
I hurt myself the last time I was at Red Lobster: they had all-you-can-eat...– Brother-in-law’s friend
I love you: this is totally my kind of flea market. Now let’s get a drink!– Wife
I guess it is true that I’d always rather be drinking than not drinking.– Wife
I feel like an impaired person.– Wife (stumbling out of Mexican restaurant at 3pm on a Saturday)
At a festival
Me: Its time for strawberry daquiries?
Wife: I didn't know what else to do.
Is raping spelled with one or two P’s?– Wife
When I start outgrowing my clothes I stop eating and just go to vodka. If you...– Wife
I do pilates, pause it half way through, make a vodka soda with a long straw,...– Wife
We never really had that much in common, I mean, she’s a smoker and...– His fiance
This little pot that I’m drinking out of, it tastes like someone just made...– Wife (at an upscale sushi restaurant)
Meat, meat, meat. Nothing but meat. I’d be happy with that.– His fiance (after a vegetarian entree)
I think most girls get pregnant when they’re drunk. That’s how they...– Wife
My reading comprehension is low, unless it is something I know about already.– Wife
I just tried to go number 2: there was a whole lot of talk, but not much action.– Brother-in-law (after dinner)
Bar Patron: Can I him a smoke?
Bar Tender: I'm not supposed to pass out cigarette 'samples' anymore according to the federal government.
Bar Patron: That is an 'Obamanation'!
Bar Tender: Holy shit! I've never heard that before! (not sarcasticly)
I dont have a gag reflex, but after awhile I’m bored, I mean: I...– My new friend (saying, “you shouldnt quote that, it is a very serious situation)
You can kiss the shiny part of my black ass.– My new friend.
I’ve never been double penetrated, but I could give great instructions and...– Same new friend that is a girl
I would be double penetrated before I would suck on a female nipple.– New friend that’s a girl (talking about an orgy she was at)
I know I have something to offer to NASA, and it is only a matter of time before...– Wife (a few drinks in)
I’m going to go challenge the bridesmaids to a game of flip-cup.– Brother-in-law’s Groomsman (immediately after the ceremony)
Shes a little bigger now, but she can still party.– Brother-in-law’s groomsman (referring to his corresponding bridesmaid, during the rehearsal)
It is my little brother’s wedding…we should probably stop and get...– Wife (en route to southwest Louisiana)
The wine is pretty pricey, but hey: I’m having a good time.– Wife (on an international flight)
If you do that I’m pouring this chocolate martini on your weiner.– So sayeth the straight man
If you are looking for street cred get the silver condoms: they numb your dick...– The Hockey Player
Stripper car chase
CE: Shouldnt you slow down?
CM: No, she has two DWIs. She'll slow down in a minute.
M: I didnt feel like I fit in.
A: You're dumb.
M: They thought I was the third shift cook.
It doesn’t matter how old you are, as long as you look good.– My wife (at a 40 year old’s birthday party)
Shuffleboard is a gay thing. Its not even a real thing!– Lucky
Marlboro lights? Kindergarteners smoke Marlboros.– The Bourgeois Cruise
End of the evening conversation
K: you're wasted.
L: but I didn't do it to myself.
K: yes you did. You drank, like hardcore, and you didn't eat anything.
L: I ate!
K: you didn't eat like a MAN should eat.
It won’t fit.– Landeaux, attempting to shove a Keystone Ice up an inflatable doll’s butt hole.
I just fingered a blow-up doll.– GG, my actress friend
I love you for your spunk.– GG, my actress friend
…between Jesus and this guy’s sack…– Mitchell (talking about a wedding)
You can totally drink cocktails and workout.– Wife
I don’t know about going into business with these folks in China,...– Uncle-in-law (discussing starting a t-shirt company)
Your personality is fine. I mean, other people get a kick out of you.– Wife
It takes me a while to think sometimes.– Wife’s Co-Worker