February 2013
4 posts
“I’m worried about ‘Penile West Nile’: there I was, standing at the gulley,...”
– Brother in law
“I want to be in a Jay-Z song. If it was my fart, I would want it to be in a...”
– Cousin-in-law (talking about Will Ferrell being sampled in a Jay-Z song)
1 tag
“Words With Feiends is my WWF.”
– Mediation Partner (she is awesome)
“I’m not criticizing you, I’m just pointing out things I’m not...”
– Wife
May 2012
1 post
“A lot of times I don’t actually hear things, or I make them up.”
– Wife
March 2012
2 posts
“Swimming Sucks”
– Hockey Player
“It is raining, that’s stupid.”
– Wife
December 2011
3 posts
Racistm.tm.ysm?
Kanye just jz!)
1 tag
“I don’t drink gin: I drink fucking vodka!”
– Wife (to videographer at birthday party)
1 tag
“Sorry: in my heart of hearts I meant to get you Hendricks, but I was drunk when...”
– Wife (talking to the birthday girl)
November 2011
4 posts
“I hurt myself the last time I was at Red Lobster: they had all-you-can-eat...”
– Brother-in-law’s friend
“I love you: this is totally my kind of flea market. Now let’s get a drink!”
– Wife
“I guess it is true that I’d always rather be drinking than not drinking.”
– Wife
“I feel like an impaired person.”
– Wife (stumbling out of Mexican restaurant at 3pm on a Saturday)
August 2011
10 posts
At a festival
Me: Its time for strawberry daquiries?
Wife: I didn't know what else to do.
“Is raping spelled with one or two P’s?”
– Wife
“When I start outgrowing my clothes I stop eating and just go to vodka. If you...”
– Wife
“I do pilates, pause it half way through, make a vodka soda with a long straw,...”
– Wife
“We never really had that much in common, I mean, she’s a smoker and...”
– His fiance
1 tag
“This little pot that I’m drinking out of, it tastes like someone just made...”
– Wife (at an upscale sushi restaurant)
1 tag
“Meat, meat, meat. Nothing but meat. I’d be happy with that.”
– His fiance (after a vegetarian entree)
1 tag
“I think most girls get pregnant when they’re drunk. That’s how they...”
– Wife
1 tag
“My reading comprehension is low, unless it is something I know about already.”
– Wife
1 tag
“I just tried to go number 2: there was a whole lot of talk, but not much action.”
– Brother-in-law (after dinner)
July 2011
9 posts
REALLY!!!
Bar Patron: Can I him a smoke?
Bar Tender: I'm not supposed to pass out cigarette 'samples' anymore according to the federal government.
Bar Patron: That is an 'Obamanation'!
Bar Tender: Holy shit! I've never heard that before! (not sarcasticly)
1 tag
“I dont have a gag reflex, but after awhile I’m bored, I mean: I...”
– My new friend (saying, “you shouldnt quote that, it is a very serious situation)
1 tag
“You can kiss the shiny part of my black ass.”
– My new friend.
1 tag
“I’ve never been double penetrated, but I could give great instructions and...”
– Same new friend that is a girl
1 tag
“I would be double penetrated before I would suck on a female nipple.”
– New friend that’s a girl (talking about an orgy she was at)
1 tag
“I know I have something to offer to NASA, and it is only a matter of time before...”
– Wife (a few drinks in)
1 tag
“I’m going to go challenge the bridesmaids to a game of flip-cup.”
– Brother-in-law’s Groomsman (immediately after the ceremony)
1 tag
“Shes a little bigger now, but she can still party.”
– Brother-in-law’s groomsman (referring to his corresponding bridesmaid, during the rehearsal)
1 tag
“It is my little brother’s wedding…we should probably stop and get...”
– Wife (en route to southwest Louisiana)
June 2011
9 posts
“The wine is pretty pricey, but hey: I’m having a good time.”
– Wife (on an international flight)
1 tag
“If you do that I’m pouring this chocolate martini on your weiner.”
– So sayeth the straight man
1 tag
“If you are looking for street cred get the silver condoms: they numb your dick...”
– The Hockey Player
1 tag
Stripper car chase
CE: Shouldnt you slow down?
CM: No, she has two DWIs. She'll slow down in a minute.
1 tag
Justified Insecurity
M: I didnt feel like I fit in.
A: You're dumb.
M: They thought I was the third shift cook.
1 tag
“It doesn’t matter how old you are, as long as you look good.”
– My wife (at a 40 year old’s birthday party)
1 tag
“Shuffleboard is a gay thing. Its not even a real thing!”
– Lucky
“Marlboro lights? Kindergarteners smoke Marlboros.”
– The Bourgeois Cruise
1 tag
End of the evening conversation
K: you're wasted.
L: but I didn't do it to myself.
K: yes you did. You drank, like hardcore, and you didn't eat anything.
L: I ate!
K: you didn't eat like a MAN should eat.
May 2011
6 posts
1 tag
“It won’t fit.”
– Landeaux, attempting to shove a Keystone Ice up an inflatable doll’s butt hole.
1 tag
“I just fingered a blow-up doll.”
– GG, my actress friend
1 tag
“I love you for your spunk.”
– GG, my actress friend
“…between Jesus and this guy’s sack…”
– Mitchell (talking about a wedding)
“You can totally drink cocktails and workout.”
– Wife
3 tags
“I don’t know about going into business with these folks in China,...”
– Uncle-in-law (discussing starting a t-shirt company)
April 2011
13 posts
1 tag
“Your personality is fine. I mean, other people get a kick out of you.”
– Wife
1 tag
“It takes me a while to think sometimes.”
– Wife’s Co-Worker 