I’m worried about ‘Penile West Nile’: there I was, standing at the gulley, enjoying an outdoor pee.
Brother in law
I want to be in a Jay-Z song. If it was my fart, I would want it to be in a Jay-Z song.
Cousin-in-law (talking about Will Ferrell being sampled in a Jay-Z song)
Words With Feiends is my WWF.
Mediation Partner (she is awesome)
I’m not criticizing you, I’m just pointing out things I’m not crazy about.
A lot of times I don’t actually hear things, or I make them up.
It is raining, that’s stupid.
I don’t drink gin: I drink fucking vodka!
Wife (to videographer at birthday party)
Sorry: in my heart of hearts I meant to get you Hendricks, but I was drunk when I went to the liquor store last night and got you Bombay Saphire instead. That is gin, right?
Wife (talking to the birthday girl)